The First of Me-Fighting Yourself-How it applies to YOU

"The First Of Me"

I must make a choice

A tough decision

Listen to my voice

Should I give in

To temptation, admiration

One leads to myself

The other some one else

Just an empty shell

Just an empty shell

It's harder than it seems

When you're told that

All your hopes and dreams

Are yours to hold if

You just give them

What's expected

Something they can sell

Put upon a shelf

But I am not for sale

I am not for sale

[Chorus:]

I hear a voice inside

It's grown into a scream

I'm not the next of them

I am the first of me

'cause I can't live the lie

I am just what you see

I'm not the next of them

I am the first of me

If I can't refuse

The price they offer

I am sure to lose

And I will suffer

Sell my soul to make a profit

All I have to do

Is make believe it's true

That something I can't do

That something I can't do

[Chorus]

So when the waiting's done

It's time to face the truth

You know you're good enough

Deep down inside of you

You've finally woken up

If only just to prove

You were born to lead the way

And be the first of you

These lyrics have really become so relevant in my life as of later. You see as a kid you always wanted to be that guy that everyone looked at and stood amazed by in the group. The newest jeans, the coolest moves, the awesome smile. As a little guy in 6th grade. I was under 5 feet and about 165 lbs. I was a big boy. You see I grew up in a rough part of chicago, and it was always survival of the fittest. If you were not up to the trends, fast enough, good looking enough you were prey. From the grade of 1st through 7th I would get beat up just about every other day. I mean really kicked around never by one always by about 3-4 bigger kids. Eventually I got fed up, and I decided I would teach myself how to fight. I started watching who else but Bruce Lee. Man if I could learn from Sifu Lee I would be set. I would sit hours upon hours working on low kicks and high kicks I mean kicking through the air like it was to save my life. My mom and dad wondered what the heck all the noise was about... because I kept on screaming waaaaaaoooooouuuuuuuu... haha... I remember their faces when they came down to see me kicking around like a maniac.
Anyways, one week that school quarter I went to class, and all was well. I was feeling froggy so I wore joggers to stay warm. It was break time, so I was going to the bathroom with my teacher. A bully that I had isses with prior decided he was going to heckle me. Oh and did he... I was talking to this girl I had liked forever. Making nice and such, and sure enough the monster came out of the corner. Back and forth he was making fun of me, and eventually I got enough guts to look at him in the eye and say leave me alone. His response "Or else what? Are you going to beat me up?" I was fuming, but I turned around and kept talking to my friends. Next thing i know everyone is laughing, and I felt a cold draft. The rat bastard had pulled my pants down in the middle of the hall way. I pulled them back up as fast as I could, and without thinking started throwing every kick I could at the monkey. High low, short, long I mean I launched at him. Like an aunt fighting an elephant I went after him. I didn't care how big he was, I didn't care what happen. I was going to kick him till I could regain some honor back. Sure enough a teacher saw this altercation and held the big dude and got me off of the offensive. He asked me why I did what I did. I told him and the kid got sent to the principals office. I went back to my seat... teary eyed, but I had face my giant. 

Like I said this was survival of the fittest. 2 weeks later I was sitting minding my own business. Two guys started messing with me. One was more of a trouble maker then the other, but they followed each others lead. Sure enough... the guy got out of his chair and pushed me. I being the smaller kid fell out of my chair. Got back up and had these two monkeys standing in front of me. I started again throwing my kicks. I thought "heck if it works for one it should work for two." I threw them with all I had, and nailed them a few times. The fight got broken up. This time i got taken to the principals office along witht he two jokers. They were frequent fliers, so they were in and out. (Apparently their parents were on speed dial.) I on the other hand was left to talk to the principal. I was embarrassed, because I had learned to fight just so I could defend myself, and now I was in trouble. I waited for the principal to come out and ger me sure enough he told me to step into his office. Asked me what happened... and I told him. They started to pick on me and I did what Bruce Lee would do. Fight for honor. He said you fought for your honor huh? I said yeah... he said what honor is that. I said I get picked on everyday... different people just nag me because I was small. Bruce Lee was small and he didn't care to take care of them. He looked at me in the eye and said Luis... thats all great and good, but you are you... not Bruce Lee. You have to handle things the right way. Fighting usually solves nothing. I stopped and put my head down. I said yes sir...I understand, but in reality I didn't. It took me a long time to get over those fears that were placed in me while in Chicago. I carried those burdens with me until recently. 

I was insecure, always wanted to be the tough silent type, but really made myself look like a jackass most of the time. I was trying to be an image of what I thought I should be, but in reality it was nothing but a shadow. I was fighting ghost of my past and I could not hit them. The ghost were left there by me, but I had no idea how to break them. Until I fell into a dark place, and had no choice but to do so. You see life throws you hurt, pain, sorrow and all kinds of issues. When you let it go and modify your behavior that is when it becomes an issue. Something I recently learned is your situations do NOT dictate the outcome your reactions to them do. Wow, powerful words indeed. I had to come to a realization that everything that I was and had shot for was because others wanted to project it onto me, but my passion, my real being was not in it. 

Flash Forward to my current state. The wounds are still healing, but the majority have been healed. Outlook on life is awesome, and life has been embraced. I have learned more about myself in the past few months then I attempted to do in my past few years. I challenge you to do the same. Go into the depths of your heart and really look at yourself. Situations should never dictate your direction. The biggest misnomer in life is that you are a product of the system, society, your neighborhood. These instances are something you accept, and are not something you are born with in your genetics. They can be overcome by embracing yourself. Know yourself and God is there. God is willing to show you who you are any day of the week. You have to be willing to accept his invitation and be willing to see who you really are. 

Without vision there is no purpose, and without purpose there is no life.  Be the First of you, Find yourself, express yourself, and know you were wonderfully made. Bruce Lee was so great because he found himself. He found ideas and made them his own. You cannot fight a concept as it has many ranges, and you would pretty much need to guess every time. Let your concept form, and be true to yourself. I've learned this... my challenge is can you?

Peace and Love